10/08/25

3pm
Lately I’ve been feeling really suicidal. It's nothing new. I've been feeling like this for a long time, however recently it got to a point where I'm seeking something more. Yesterday I got drunk by myself and felt this overwhelming urge to do I don’t even know what. I'm not gonna actually hurt myself because I have some people to live for. But I'm getting older and I should mature. I want to be more mature. I want a normal life but it seems to not be the case for me. I do some pretty stupid stuff when I’m drunk. I finally talk. I wish I was like this when I’m sober. My favourite thing to do in that state is to lay on the floor and just feel. I feel so much more. I just feel more free. I wish I was free.

06/08/25

12am
dont even know where to begin all the things that are wrong with me. i realized i dont know anything. i dont know who i am. all i know is that i am actually incredibly boring and shallow. im so uninterested in being alive. i have so much to do. it should be easy, i mean everyone does all these things all the time but everything seem so hard for me for some reason. i lack something primal inside. its super embarrassing and i dont like to admit it. i really just wish to be normal. thats all i wanted since i was a child. i dont think its possible for me to be happy but i will keep living this miserable life hoping it will be over soon.

30/05/25

10pm
i yearn
i yearn for affection
i yearn for a substance that would fix me
i yearn to be able to be as open as drunk me
i yearn for a devastating story
i yearn for love
i yearn to be in a diffrent world

my favourtie composition of tags: small town, substance abuse, religious guilt,

22/04/25

11pm
my life is finally changing a little but honestly i dont even know if i want it anymore. i feel so overwhelemd. i honestly wish to not do anything ever again and never speak to anyone again. i dont know whats wrong with me. im the personification of shame. i feel so much of it, im starting to think thats all i am. my therapist asked me whats my problem but i dont know. i dont know anything and im so tired of it. i havent seen him in a few months becuase i cant bring myself to. because seriously wtf is wrong with me? i wish i knew the answer to that lol.

09/03/25

3am
i am starting to lose hope. i feel so helpless. i strugle to connect with others. i always tell myself that im just not comfortable enough and that it would change over time but it never works. i catch myself bearly talking, not knowing what to say or not feeling any need to say anything at all. and i know people will say i shouldnt care about those things and just be myself but it makes me so sad and insecure. i want to have deep connections with people but i cant handle being in a constant contact with someone. sometimes i wonder if i ever care about anyhing.

06/03/2025

3pm
its warm today, it almost feels like its spring already. i wish i could enjoy it but to be honest it makes me feel sad. i have nowhere to go and nothing to do. i mean i should probably study and shit but i dont feel like it. the air feels so nice but im at home. it reminds me of all the previous years when i felt the same. nothing changed after all lol. i wish i had friends that i could spend time with and places to go but i hate where i live. i wish i could finally move out. i wish i could leave all of these feelings behind.

artist for today is yung lean/jonatan leandoer96.