30/12/25

4am
this is going to be quite personal and vulnerable, not like my previous entries werent. this just feels a little different. i have been miserable my whole life. i am one of those people that dwells in their sadness and does nothing about it. i find comfort in it. its pathetic and annoying. i dont think anyone wants to or should be around someone like that. im a bad person. i know it and try to hide it because im so embarrassed of it. when im around people it feels like im trying to trick them. i dont think i will ever be able to change. i think my dad is starting to notice. i mean he knows i have been struggling for a couple of years. recently he has asked me if im still friends with x. i kinda dodged the question because we dont really talk but we are still friends, you know? but thats embarrassing to say. i think my mom is annoyed with me, she doesnt really understand but i cant blame her. i dont have anyone and its entirely my fault. but its not even about people. all of it is my fault. i dont do anything, i avoid everything and everyone. i am a pathetic loser but i dont want to die. i kinda wish i did so i could just end all of this. im so embarrassed about everything. im so ashamed. i dont want to be like this but the feeling i get in my head is too unbearable to do anything about it. i think someone would have to force me to change but who is gonna do all that and why? im scared about the future. theres no future for someone that acts like me. what am i going to do with all of this? i cant run forever. my dad is trying to help me with university and stuff but i just get annoyed and act horrible. im so dumb. im truly the worst. i wish i wasnt here.

22/12/25

6am
i struggle with the idea of wanting something or someone. i would say im in some ways apathetic. i think it stems from me bottling up my emotions for years. i became numb and empty. i struggle to grasp reality. nothing seems real nor meaningful but at the same time im full of stress. i dont know how to function in this world. i feel so lost and disconnected. i want to want people and i want them to want me.

06/08/25

12am
dont even know where to begin all the things that are wrong with me. i realized i dont know anything. i dont know who i am. all i know is that i am actually incredibly boring and shallow. im so uninterested in being alive. i have so much to do. it should be easy, i mean everyone does all these things all the time but everything seem so hard for me for some reason. i lack something primal inside. its super embarrassing and i dont like to admit it. i really just wish to be normal. thats all i wanted since i was a child. i dont think its possible for me to be happy but i will keep living this miserable life hoping it will be over soon.

22/04/25

11pm
my life is finally changing a little but honestly i dont even know if i want it anymore. i feel so overwhelemd. i honestly wish to not do anything ever again and never speak to anyone again. i dont know whats wrong with me. im the personification of shame. i feel so much of it, im starting to think thats all i am. my therapist asked me whats my problem but i dont know. i dont know anything and im so tired of it. i havent seen him in a few months becuase i cant bring myself to. because seriously wtf is wrong with me? i wish i knew the answer to that lol.

09/03/25

3am
i am starting to lose hope. i feel so helpless. i strugle to connect with others. i always tell myself that im just not comfortable enough and that it would change over time but it never works. i catch myself bearly talking, not knowing what to say or not feeling any need to say anything at all. and i know people will say i shouldnt care about those things and just be myself but it makes me so sad and insecure. i want to have deep connections with people but i cant handle being in a constant contact with someone. sometimes i wonder if i ever care about anyhing.

06/03/2025

3pm
its warm today, it almost feels like its spring already. i wish i could enjoy it but to be honest it makes me feel sad. i have nowhere to go and nothing to do. i mean i should probably study and shit but i dont feel like it. the air feels so nice but im at home. it reminds me of all the previous years when i felt the same. nothing changed after all lol. i wish i had friends that i could spend time with and places to go but i hate where i live. i wish i could finally move out. i wish i could leave all of these feelings behind.

artist for today is yung lean/jonatan leandoer96.